Number 4

This looks easier than it is. It has to be a place where you order first then pay at the end. And a fairly busy place so suspicion doesn't fall on me. Claire's convinced that it will end up with me spending a night in the cells. All I can see is the headline 'Coffee pest lynched'. Might need some planning, a false beard and a getaway driver. ('Bearded coffee pest killed in crash').

Freddie's suggestions for 'challenges' for me:

• Dress up in full football kit and turn up at Oxford United reception saying 'I've come for the tryout'
• Similar, but dress up in fancy dress policeman's uniform and go to Oxford police station saying 'I've come for the tryout'
• Dress up in tracksuit, go to a random youth football game, and start running up and down the touchline shouting angry directions to one of the teams
• Pretend to faint in public

Number 3

This week's challenge was to 'Make a loaf of bread'. We didn't have exactly the right ingredients, and I didn't know exactly what I was doing, even though following a recipe, and it took me longer than it would take a baker to make 60 or 70 loaves, but it turned out NOT HALF BAD.

Number 2

I opened number 2 of 'Fifty things to do when you're fifty' yesterday. It said 'Have a bath and really think about how good it feels'. I liked this – I haven't had a bath for years, it had been a tricky day, and I thought it might help the thigh strain I was limping around with. Claire even ran the bath for me. Apparently she also said I'd need to add some cold, but I didn't hear this. I put my right foot in. The water was almost boiling. I took my right foot out and shook it all about. It was bright red and already starting to swell. Holding back the tears, I put the shower attachment in the water – that's how you fill baths round these parts - and turned on the cold. Five minutes later it was a safe temperature, so I got in, leaving my scalded foot on the side to cool. The water was shallower than I expected – in fact, after a minute, there was no water, as I had accidentally hoiked out the plug with the shower attachment. I left the bathroom shivering, in pain, and now limping on both legs like a chimp trying to tiptoe silently. 48 things to go.

Number 1

Did number 1 of 'Fifty Things To Do When I'm Fifty', made for me by my odd yet magnificent wife on coloured pieces of paper folded in a wicker basket, and presented to on my fiftieth birthday, the second of January, 2014: 'No.1: Put flowers on Ralph's grave'. Ralph was the only previous owner of our house. He loved playing the piano and piano accordion and drinking too much beer, so we probably wouldn't have had much in common. Here he is playing the piano for Witney dance band 'The Stardusters' in the 50s.
49 to go - one every Monday.