Sunday, 30 November 2014

Number 44


I'd never heard of World Toilet Day, but having read about it, I'm all in favour.
I want to make people's stay in my toilet a pleasant one.
I arrive early at work so I can do my business undisturbed, and identify the cubicle - anyone serious about relaxing would have to choose the end cabin furthest away from the urinals.
Hmm...no flat surfaces for flower pots - a basic design fault. I'll have to balance the chrysanthemums on the paper dispenser. I can already see this ending in court.
Then the in-flight entertainment: In one corner, a selection of 'humorous quotations' printed off from google; in the other, a handful of 'photos taken at exactly the right moment' from the same place. In the centre, the official World Toilet Day poster. Hanging from the handle on long pieces of string, Private Eye for the highbrow, and National Enquirer, which I suspect everyone will choose. Enough there even for the long-haul customer...
I keep my ear out for people's comments during the day, but no one mentions toilets in my earshot. Before leaving for home, I pop in to check the poster hadn't fallen down and there's no one lying on the floor beside a shattered chrysanthemum pot. Everything is calm. Only the decorated cubicle is occupied. From inside, I can hear the sound of someone turning the pages of a magazine. That makes me happy, that someone is enjoying a few minutes of relaxation, flowery smells and sensational news at the end of his working day.

2 comments:

Molly Potter said...

From 1996 until 2007 we had a visitors' book in our toilet. Until it went mouldy. And a Poo Poem. Every toilet should really have a poo poem.

Poo Poem

Big ones, little ones
Ones that wedge the loo
Squidgy ones, firm ones
Ones that smell like a zoo
Deep brown, light brown
Ones that take time to come
'One wipe and go' ones
Ones that smudge on your bum
Sweetcorn ones, carrot ones
Ones that stick to the bowl
Jolly bad hangover ones
That squit out from your hole
Regular ones, strained ones
Ones that need a nice smelling spray
Ones propelled by wind
That mean you won't want to stay
Morning ones, evening ones
Ones you do around noon
Ones that make little skid marks
The ones that come to soon
Quiet ones, noisy ones
Unashamed ones done in the boys
Discreet ones done by ladies
Toddlers ones that double as toys
Floating ones, sinking ones
Ones done in a nappy
Ones that feel uncomfortable
Ones that make you happy
Ones that take you seconds
Ones where you forget what you're doing
Sitting on your lonesome
Oh the joys of pooing

jim_greenan said...

I remember it well, Molly. W.B. Yeats at his best.