Number 9

This week's challenge was connected to Lola's lifebook -- a picture book we made for Lola telling the story of her early life and adoption. As that's her story to tell, I can't really share it on a blog. Instead, as it's her eighth birthday tomorrow, I thought it would be a time to look back on her top ten comedy moments from the ones we've collected over the years. Her comic timing is second to none; she can not only pick out the moment and phrase of maximum embarrassment, but she is a master of the comic pause. And although she generally disapproves of swearing, she knows where to slip in a profanity for highest impact. So here's the countdown ...

10 (age 7)

Claire: Do you like my new top?

Lola: You look like Cinderella. (long pause) In scene one.

9 (age 7)

Claire's asking Lola about a dish she'd had.
Claire: What did it taste like?
Lola: I can't remember what it tasted like - I haven't got a photographic tongue!

8 (age 2)
Claire's away for a few days.
Me: What do you think Mummy's doing now?
Lola: Don't know.
Me: But what do you think she's doing? Have a guess.
Lola: I don't ... flippin ... know.

7 (age 6)

After weeks of rain.

Lola: God spoke to me. He said, 'Lols, build an ark'.

Me: He knows you well enough to call you Lols, does he?

Lola: He knows everyone. (pause) He calls you Jimmy.

6 (age 3)

Climbs up onto my knee.

Lola: I think it's time you knew how babies are made.

5 (age 6)

I come down in the morning with Lola. The magnetic letters on the fridge have been arranged into the word 'fucker'.

Me: Did you write that?

Lola: No! (long pause) I only added the 'er'.

4 (age 5)

Lola: I don't chatter all the time, do I. I'm not Irish.

3 (age 3)

An ENORMOUS lady comes to buy our hermit crabs. She's so large that Claire has to open both doors of the porch, which has previously only been done for the piano and sofa. The lady makes her way to the crab tank tucked in the corner of the room. Lola waits for her moment.

Lola (loudly): That's a very small space isn't it, mummy ...

(Looong pause to allow Claire to freeze with dread)

... Too small for HER fat bottom!

2 (age 3)

I've just been out with Lola, and I'm in the kitchen. I can half-hear a sound from upstairs – 'Mmf, mmf, mmf', 'Mmf, mmf, mmf'. I go to the stairs. The sound is human, and now sounds like a muffled 'Noi, noi, noi', 'Noi, noi, noi'. I go up into our bedroom to investigate. Lola is face-down on the bed with her arms behind her, stuck in her coat. I extricate her, and she's fine.

Me: What were you shouting when you were stuck?

Lola: Nine, nine, nine. You told me that was the number you call when there's an emergency.

1 (age 2)

We're in a restaurant with Granny and Granddad, Lola's in a highchair, waiting for a quiet moment to strike. The moment arrives ...

Lola (very loudly): Lola got a normal fanny ... 

(long pause; conversation in the restaurant stops)

... Mummy got a hairy fanny ...

(long pause; Granny's fork is frozen in midair; Claire is suddenly extremely engrossed in her food; time stands still ...)

... What Granny got?