Number 20 update

Derek stops off at a café in Wolverhampton on the way up to Lancashire, and selects a beef and onion pie. 'Shall I tip the gravy all over your food or not?' 'Yes please' says Derek, who likes to live a little.

After a gruelling journey, he poses proudly in his first youth hostel porch ...

'What a splendid organisation!' says Derek, who is of limited means himself. 

'My goodness, this sea air has made me hungry!' announces Derek. A chicken jalfrezi outside Ye Old Fighting Cocks is just the job.

But then Derek trips and 'falls' into a glass of snakebite. Oh dear - we had been warned about this.

'Don't go out on the sand, Derek!' we shout, 'It's very dangerous!' 'Don't give a ****,' says Derek. 'Try stopping me.'

Unfortunately, Derek seems a little belligerent after his accident. 'Which of you ***** wants to fight me?'

We calm him down and persuade him to climb the Knott. 'Jesus, my ******* chest is ******* heaving. Has NO ****** got a fag?' 

And there's still time before bed to borrow a fellow hosteller's car. 'Cheers, Kelvin, that was ******* ace - did a ton round ******* Windermere'.

The next morning Derek is a little bleary-eyed.  We take him down to The Posh Sardine in Arnside for a strong cup of coffee. 'It's a little bit drizzly today, isn't it,' he points out.   

 

But he's a game little fellow, and tackles the rugged walk to Silverdale. 'Oh, aren't the plants high!' he exclaims.

'Oh dear - I'm rather scared of heights!'

'What perfectly lovely views!' gasps Derek in awe.

Made it at last. 'Let's have a nice cup of tea,' suggests Derek sensibly.

In a jaunty mood on the train, Derek wears his cap 'Robin Hood style'.

Next day it's off to Morecambe. 'Oh my, what a beautiful sandy beach!' enthuses Derek.

He enjoys strolling along the front, and browsing the second-hand bookshop. 'Some jolly exciting books in here,' he comments.

 Then Derek disappears for an hour. Where can he be? 

Oh there he is, in a shop. He's playing the giddy goat. 'I wondered when you'd raise your ugly ******* head,' he says.

'Can't get any ******* sense out of these ******** - they appear to be ******* idiots,' appraises Derek.

Next morning, he has to say goodbye to his little holiday friend. 

'What a perfectly wonderful mini-break I've had!' ejaculates Derek.